Am I Enabling My Loved One’s Addiction?

Over 48.5 million Americans experience some form of substance use disorder each year, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Unfortunately, when a loved one struggles with substance abuse and addiction there can be a fine line between helping them, so they can work on getting better, and enabling their substance abuse to continue without apparent consequences. 

Sometimes, even help given with the best of intentions can be harmful in the long term. But there are ways you can be a part of your loved one’s life without shielding them from the consequences of their actions, all while encouraging them to make the right choice and get the help and care they need. 

What Is Enabling Addiction?

When you enable someone, in the context of a substance use disorder (SUD), you are taking actions that allow their pattern of substance abuse and self-destructive behavior to continue. Put another way, you are giving your loved one help and support that is actually harming them in the long term by allowing them to keep drinking or keep using drugs while avoiding some of the consequences.  

This doesn’t mean that all help given to someone with an SUD is enablement. Healthy support is extremely important to people who struggle with substance abuse and recovery, and it’s the entire focus of addiction treatment services like those at Ohio Recovery Center. 

The difference is that helping your loved one involves doing things that they cannot do for themselves or that help them progress in recovery, while enabling involves doing things that they can and should be doing for themselves, or else involves shielding them from some of the negative consequences of their substance abuse. 

Unfortunately, the line between helping and enabling can sometimes be situational, and it can change over time depending on your loved one’s condition and the direct or indirect consequences of your support. 

How Can I Stop Enabling?

Recognizing that you have been enabling a loved one’s substance abuse can be a hard realization. But it is also an opportunity to make changes and establish yourself as a more helpful, positive, and loving force in their lives in the future, even if it may not seem like it in the short term. Here’s how to start.

Learn About Addiction

Knowing more about how substance use disorders work, how they develop, the behaviors that go with them, and how people recover from them can help you better understand what your loved one is going through and what might happen as you set new boundaries with them. Reading books and articles from authoritative sources, hearing firsthand accounts, and spending time with groups like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon are all great ways to change your perspective, combat stigma, and prepare you for the future.  

Have A Conversation

If you need a reset, a re-defining of the relationship you have with your loved one, you will need to have a conversation.  

Choose a time to talk to your loved one when they are sober and in a private comfortable location. Then let them know that they are loved, that you cannot force them to change their behavior, but that you also cannot be a part of their substance abuse moving forward. Point out specific instances in which your loved one’s substance abuse caused you to become concerned and ask them open-ended questions about what they are going through and how they perceive that they are affecting those around them. 

You then need to define the changes in your relationship that you are establishing. These need to be specific, not a laundry list of complaints or nebulous wants or feelings. Go for concrete, easy-to-remember points that make sense to both parties. 

This can be a difficult talk. So try to keep things calm and positive without personal attacks, heated arguing, guilt, or manipulation. And if your loved one is open to rehab, a support group, or other positive steps, offer to help them however you can. 

Maintain Your Boundaries

Personal boundaries are important for families that have members who struggle with substance abuse and addiction. These are hard-and-fast rules and limits that aren’t intended to change your loved one’s behavior directly, but that serve as guardrails to protect you and your other loved ones physically, financially, and emotionally, without enabling substance abuse. 

Common examples of healthy boundaries that families may establish include:

• not being under the influence around you or other loved ones (especially children)
• splitting finances and not providing future financial or material support
• not keeping drugs or alcohol in the home 
• speaking and being spoken to respectfully
• not going to events with your loved one that involve drinking or other substance use

Don’t Shield Your Loved One From Consequences

A big part of ending enabling behavior involves allowing your loved one to face the natural consequences of their actions on their own. This may mean refraining from the following:

• covering for your loved one if they fall behind on their personal responsibilities
• lying for your loved one to save face in front of others
• giving your loved one money
• giving your loved one drugs or alcohol, under any circumstances
• bailing your loved one out if they are arrested for substance use-related problems like theft, assault, buying drugs, or driving under the influence

Allowing a person to struggle and even hit rock bottom can sometimes be an important part of their recovery journey, even if it is extremely difficult and painful to deny them in the short term. 

Take Care Of Yourself

You matter. And the better off you are physically, emotionally, spiritually, and materially, the better you will be able to help your loved one to recover when they are ready. So show yourself some love and make sure you are eating and sleeping well, that you are getting exercise, that you are not using substances yourself (especially in front of your loved one), and that you have people you can talk to and things you can look forward to. 

Therapy can be one good form of self-care, and you can turn to support groups for more insight and validation as needed. 

Work As A Team

It’s important that your entire family be on the same page when it comes to your loved one and the boundaries you’ve established. Otherwise, other family members may begin offering “help” when asked, enabling addiction and becoming a part of the problem instead of the solution. 

Offer To Help Them Get Treatment

Whenever your loved one is ready for recovery, be there for them. Have options available for them to consider, including residential programs, outpatient programs, or peer support groups, and offer to provide transportation, to go with them (when possible), or to provide whatever other support you can, so long as it directly allows them to get help.

Don’t Nag, Guilt, Or Force Them

There are many people who have gone to rehab because their loved ones “made” them go, even if they didn’t want to. And this can still work in some cases. 

But if your adult loved one refuses your heartfelt requests for them to get help, you shouldn’t resort to negative communication strategies like passive aggression, insults, nagging, threats, guilt, or even physical force. These can all harm your relationship, making it that much less likely that they will want to involve you in their recovery in the future. So, be respectful of their independence, be loving, be consistent, and stick to your personal boundaries. 

And remember, above all, to be patient. Even once your loved one gets help, it may take a long time before their recovery really sticks. In fact, one national study published in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that the number of serious attempts those with SUD ultimately take at recovery varies from two to more than five, regardless of the substances involved. 

Recovering From Substance Abuse & Addiction At ORC

Substance use disorders come in many different forms, and each person’s needs in recovery will be unique. That’s why Ohio Recovery Center offers leading evidence-based treatment services for all forms of drug and alcohol use disorders, as well as co-occurring mental health conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD, OCD, bipolar disorder, and more. 

We can help you and your loved one to better understand the treatment process and the benefits of recovery, so that you can move forward with confidence knowing that those closest to you will receive the support and care that they need. Reach out today to learn more.